I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
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Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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