girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is classic penis vs brain.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
