my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
