i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
