doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
