All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
