The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
