so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
