You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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