How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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