i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
