I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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