i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
