At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
