I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
