I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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