I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
