Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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