she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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