there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
FUCK WHALES
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
