i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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