i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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