You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
