Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
