Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
