Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
