no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
