If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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