just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
