I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
