I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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