Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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