my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
