Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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