I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
