This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize