in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
