I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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