Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my phone needs a breathalizer
My hand turned me down
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
