I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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