Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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