i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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