meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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