I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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