Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
