i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
