I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
