Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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