Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
