porn star boner night. come get it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
