Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great