i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
