Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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