halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
