I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We named our party play list daddy issues
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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