Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This toilet bowl is my home.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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