My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
