I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I love you. Go after that dick
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
