So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
